My daughter is a school teacher and has this sign posted in her room:
Dear students:
I know when you're texting in class
Seriously, no one just looks down
at their crotch and smiles.
July Joke Thread
Up from the depths...
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I never seen nothin’ like that before.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I never seen nothin’ like that before.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
TO LIVE A LONG LIFE
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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unt0uchable
- Posts: 2265
- Joined: Jul 21, 2011
- Location: Rochester Hills, Michigan
- Contact:
My Only Day of Employment after Retirement
I retired from my long successful career, but became bored. I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
Here is my story…
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
Here is her picture.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just f@*+ing stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would f*&# you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us".
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
I retired from my long successful career, but became bored. I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
Here is my story…
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
Here is her picture.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just f@*+ing stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would f*&# you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us".
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.